When I was 25 years old I allowed a doctor to convince me that aborting my unborn child was the "best" thing to do. Every part of me was screaming on the inside, NO, I do not want to do this! Crippled by fear, I succumbed to the doctor’s advice. The relief I felt afterwards was minimal compared to the pain from the realization of what I did.
It didn't take long for grief, sadness, and shame to send me into a downward spiral. I found my way into a dark pit of depression. This season lasted for years. Not realizing I needed help, and too ashamed to talk to anyone I became a master at stuffing my pain. As I continue to hide my aching heart, I coped by numbing and denying the reality of what I knew to be true. Having grown up with a strong religious background, I considered myself completely pro-life. However, as the depression dragged me down, my thinking started to shift. It wasn't long until I convinced myself that there were exceptions to abortion, and I was one of them. The desensitizing of my true values continued and before I knew it I wasn't even sure if I was pro-life at all. After all who was I to judge? I no longer knew my true self and my heart had grown cold.
I’m eternally gratefully my story doesn’t end there.
My life changed when I hit an all time low… Doubting my faith and so disappointed with life I reached a point that I thought I wanted to end it. It was a very tough season and it was truly Divine intervention that rescued me! I had a grown up fearing God in an unhealthy way. For years I believed I had committed the unforgivable sin and there was no way that I could be forgiven. I actually had never understood Grace and Mercy and all the beautiful things that Jesus died for. Now I had a family who I was hurting, and living with this incredible heaviness was wearing me out. I needed something. Twenty years after my abortion experience I was desperate for change. I found myself crying out to Jesus! Simple as it sounds, He answered my plea and I discovered Him in a new way. Being “born again” seemed weird to me but somehow I thought it was worth a try…God met me right where I was and I surrendered my life to Him. I let him be my Lord. I let Him love me. Though still not easy, this was the turning point in my life that led me on a healing journey. Finally, I had the courage to be vulnerable and to get help in dealing with my abortion and all the other pain and depression I experienced. I found freedom.
I am not alone in being a victim of becoming emotionally insensitive; becoming desensitized, or of even being lost. The desensitizing that is occurring in our world today is ever increasing. The world offers a plethora of ways to numb and deny our pain. Fear and shame have a way of allowing us to push the pain and sorrow so far away that we eventually forget they are there. But even with all the camouflage, the roots of pain are buried deep within us. Instead of being a voice of truth, we become our own enabler by convincing ourselves and others we don't need help.
We all need a Divine moment with Jesus. He is right there waiting for us to let Him in.
My prayer is that we open our hearts and our ears to the voice of Truth. I pray we recognize the Love, the Compassion, and the Forgiveness that Jesus has to offer. It takes courage; it takes vulnerability! The path out of pain is a journey. Sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable and needless to say, even "painful". On the other side is joy and peace!
Take courage my friends…there is nothing quite as good as joy and peace. It’s so worth the journey.
If you need a friend to encourage your walk to freedom, we are here. Please contact us; iamrestored.net